Paradigm

 we all have paradigms of others, but what does that mean? 
A paradigm is a mental framework of beliefs and assumptions that dictates how individuals perceive and interpret the world. Understanding the "paradigm of others" requires recognizing that people act based on their own unique conditioning, often viewing their subjective reality as objective truth.

I, for one had this paradigm of my personal coach from MiSK.. Coach Shirley is amazing, I wanted her as my Coach and it just so happened that i was meant to be her student! i look up to her a ton and wanted to get to know her on a somewhat personal level, but she was standing on business and in the meetings we barely had time to talk about things unrelated to work ever so slightly. i'm a bit enthusiastic about a ton of things so i kinda get carried away when speaking, one time i interrupted her and she felt disrespected, as one does when theyre interrupted, but her reaction was extrremely straight forward. i thought she hated me, and i slowly started feeling less and less excited about our meetings. 

in todays meeting all i ever wanted was accomplished, i felt like my relationship with Coach Shirley was less formal, and then while we were talking she kinda sorta cleared up her reaction from the other day, she said she didnt mean to be harsh and that at the moment she wasnt thinking of how i would percieve things, she was thinking of how to prepare me for college because professors hate when theyre interrupted for things unrelated to their lectures, and i thought that was super sweet. anyways so like you see how my perspective shifted after just one convo? i went from "she hates me" to "shes worried about me".

today i started tearing up in our meeting. why you ask? because i saw Coach Shirley for her sweetness, she did such a huge act of kindness and like through it i realized she was totally rooting and there for me! i was super moved! basically MiSK has this thing called Student Representative where they choose a certain amount of students to represent them, and like i reallyyyyyy wanna get elected, it would be like such a huge honor! so i was talking with Coach Shirley and asked her if coaches could nominate students, and guess what she said????

SHE SAID SHE HAD ALREADY NOMINATED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WAS SO HAPPY AND EXCITED!! IM STILL SUPER HAPPY! LIKE THE FACT THAT SHE DID SO WITHOUT ME EVEN ASKING MEANT SO MUCH TO ME LIKE WDYM SOMEONE AS PROFESSIONAL AND SOPHISTICATED AS HER NOMINATED ME? i really appreciated it!! i'm the type of person who really appreciates these types of thiings, like words alone can make me really happy. i felt as though i had already gotten the role. honestly i really appreciate the whole student rep thing cause it taught me who's actually rooting for me and whos not. like sone people dont have a win-win mindset, i'm not saying i entirely have one but i'm always happy to see others around me succeed! like im planning on nominating two girls who i think deserve the role! 

i know to you guys it might seem like its just any role, but this is MiSK, like the MBS foundation, and as someone who wants to become a governess/ministress some day i think it'll help me with networking- but dont get me wrong im not thinking about my future job in this, i just think it would be a huge honor, and like i'd love to help others in misk, i'll work super hard to be worthy of the role, i just hope they accept my application~

thats all for today! 

 Worst day ever?

i kid you not i think ive been cursed. firstly i go to school on four hours of sleep, three of them being on an uncomfortable couch cause i had to force myself up to study, and you see the exam that i was studying for?? the teacher decided not to let me take it today XD. 

So i'm like the founder of S.A.G.E. right? today i was asked to make a pitch deck and i wasn't given a deadline, only for them to ask for it at the end of the school day when i was ab to leave??? what??? and then because im so stressed and doing my work as quick as possible from the school to the car i forgot my phone IN THE CAR with my aunts driver, how was i gna get it back?? then i go to sleep thinking its the 20th (i dont have my phone and i vividly and inaccurately remember the date being the 20th) well guess what? its the 22nd of april! and i just missed my meeting with coach shirley! oh it cant get any worse right? i have to study for two exams and chem is one of them. UUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i have my phone now but its like 10 pm, MY PHONE SHUTS DOWN AT 10!!!!

oh yeah and my name (along with a few other girls names) was sent in the school gc and i had to do another project.

and like even after i finished the pitch deck that ruined my life, my teacher wouldnt answer and theres a chance it all went to waste

worst day ever

am i better than you?

something that makes me rlly uncomfy is when someone thinks they're better than me, cause like what am i missing? what do you have that i don't? it just pisses me off when im belittled. i feel like i always have this need to prove that they aren't better than me, it kinda fuels my competitiveness. but now that i think about it, my need for winning isn't just to prove that they aren't better than me, it kinda proves that i'm better than them too. is it all just projection? when i see someone and assume they see themselves as faster, smarter, better, am i really basing this off of insinuations, or is it all just my own feelings?

recently ive noticed that i've stopped being as kind as i used to be, some might think thats a good thing, but  i honestly really hate the way that i think. i've been humble my entire life to the point where the glazing got to me, i hate the way i've slowly built this wall of superiority in my mind. the real question isn't "what makes them better than me?" it's "what makes me better than them?" 

i wouldn't call myself a cruel person, but i'm certainly not "kind" or at least not as kind as others keep telling me. i so need a reality check because i hate looking down on people. this stupid sense of superiority clouds your judgement, in fact when your ego keeps getting inflated it gets harder to see those around you, well i dont want to be blind !!! i want to see everyone, i want to be part of them! i dont want to be above! i was to stay humble! 

trust me i'm going to change this habit SOON

 Self-Centered

I have to be the most selfish person i know. when i want to move on from something i move on almost instantly without even thinking of the other person. just a month ago i was debating moving schools and cutting ties just because i needed it, isnt that the most selfish thing ever? just because i want a certain amount of freedom i seem to be willing to go for it without taking other poeples feelings into account. The number of people who i left with no remorse just because my situation couldnt handle it is insane, because even having done such a thing to one person is wrong. i really need  to be more thoughtful with the bond that i build. i feel like i have a sense of entitlement when it comes to ties, because i know i have the courage that so many others lack, and its a bit disgusting to see it all get to my head. i kinda suck, i shouldnt think im better than anyone, but yk maybe that comes from a perspective of insecurity? i never really understood insecure people, like nothing is ever that bad, but yk i think thats a bit egoistic. i dont really think im insecure, i'm very comfortable with myself wether for looks or personality, but i think sometimes i can be too much. its not that i think im better than anyone, i dont think its arrogance, i think its ignorance, ive been so caught up in my own life that i seem to forget to acknowledge those less bold.