time interval

 it's been a while since i last hopped on here but i didnt have a choice in this guys, i wuld never choose to stay away from here esp when i have so much to update you on!
today (technically yesterday) i took my gat! and i'm super scared bc i left the exam glad and it just felt too good to be true you know? what if my score is rlly bad? i'll be so crushed to see it because i thought i did well and oh how the overthinking is eating at me i feel crushed even now at the thought of it.
reemas birthday was on the 15th and i wanted to get her a nana illustrations book so i told my dad that i added it to my wish list so that he could buy it for me, but instead he bought the wrong book... HE BOUGHT ME A NEIGHBORHOOD STORY BOOK!!! BEST ACCIDENT EVER AFTER! i got it the day b4 my exam and i was oh so happy and really really it motivated me to study more and it was so sweet i was so so so so soooooooooo happy!!! it's so lovely!
another thing that happened is that i won the role of vice president in tmooh toastmasters! if i havent told you guys alr i basically have online ap classes with tmooh from 8 am to 3 pm... total drag...
i met some super cool girls through it though, and it helped me overcome my fear of a certain school.
i told zahra and imgna tell reema and al and 3liw tmr! like acc tmr not today tmr.
anyways one of the recent things that have happened was that reema s has decided to be a better friend, and i'm totally fine with that, i'm just not ready to accept her yet.
i also reached out to the diabolique cd vendor and we're still on good terms, i hope to buy either a sentenced or theatre of tragedy cd from him so i can get my diabolique cd.
i've been missing jana lately, maybe because we're back to normal. idk ab her but i've been feeling like we were drifting apart and that made me build more walls, i even convinced myself that she barely saw me as her friend, when i had nothing to bas that assumption off of, maybe because i see our vulnerability as a link that just proves that she still feels comfortable and safe with me, so when we talk less i just tell myself she's shutting me out immediately, which is wrong of me. Still, you cant expect blind trust with 0 contact. except the thing is, you're supposed to when its me, i was the one with blind trust, so i cant really blame her for being fine with not talking to me for weeks, because i've been the one reassuring her that i'll always be here, and maybe thats true, but the no contact always plants seeds of doubt in my mind. I dont want to feel guilty for it.
i keep remembering more things that i want to say its just been that long! so i've started to realize that my cousins are getting s bit too comfortable and i just dont wanna be part of it, i also took care of my siblings for a week when my mom went to the uk, she found out she was pregnant that and when she told us it felt so surreal. today we visited yummah and her reaction to the news was so sweet she started tearing up, she loves us dearly, and we love her back. she was just telling my how my brother was a blessing with teary eyes and how she wished for a younger sibling for him, then like 5 mins later my mom told her and it was just so sweet and wholesome. 
oh yeah they fixed my phone but its flowkenuinely still broken, like now i can charge it, but the screens legits a mess, sorry baba. oh and my laptop  broke, and thats like the reason u couldnt blog as much as i'd like, oh and my earbuds also broke, hhhhhh..... life... i guess..
i recently discovered another diaboliue album and i can confidently say theyre my fav. did i tell you guys i was rewatching pll?
this month i got super close to modhi and two rlly sweet girls added me on insta and i met a lot of nice ppl in tmooh, successfully social even under academic pressure, i got close w layan too, i fixed things with roaa, what else?
oh oh! i'm going padel with uncle ahmed his wife and my cousins soooonnnn and im so excited fo rit. 
today is 21/07/26 and i think its a girl!
also if anyb asks who i look up to know its minister adel of international affairs, i wont settle until i become him.
VP SIGNING OUT!!!

 Dealing with emotions

sometimes it feels like I don't really break down or show emotions on a certain topic until I'm actually reminded of the situation that I'm in. It's like people showing me that they care is doing quite the opposite, it reminds me of the feelings that I've been suppressing. and like it's even worse when they seemingly understand because they're justifying my feelings which makes them all the more real. i grew up the sensitive kid, the one that kept overthinking, and the one that cried easily, to the point where those traits and emotions made me feel vulnerable, like my points of view were never really justified, like i was overreacting in a way no normal person ever would. so the little things that I felt or noticed became just subjective observations, when people are rude it feels like I'm the one reading too much into the situation, so my positivity and charitability are actually just a result of my lack of trust in my own opinions. thats why facts are totally important to me. 

when someone asks me whats wrong it just reminds me of the things i'm trying not to think about like a really hurtful moment that i had just went through or just a really bad situation in general. have people forgotten that it isnt always the right time to talk about emotions? especially in public. like oh you're just casually making me feel vulnerable and exposed, but that doesn't matter keep showing me you care without really thinking of me first.. people crave to be asked about and the attention and love they get through it, but i wish no one would see me especially when i'm sad. because i'm so used to being judged for it that now i feel like my own emotions are unnecessary, so i just avoid them, and that method works really well. just sleep on it or try to compose yourself, but what use is composing myself if someone keeps asking me to face the reality of it just out of their curiosity or care? when I'm put in that situation instead of insiting i just offer my helo and leave it, then maybe bring it up some other time, not insist about it even when the other person clearly feels uncomfortable. but then again i learned at an extremely young age that crossing boundaries is sure to drive the other person off. i can thank noor for that.