Paradigm

 we all have paradigms of others, but what does that mean? 
A paradigm is a mental framework of beliefs and assumptions that dictates how individuals perceive and interpret the world. Understanding the "paradigm of others" requires recognizing that people act based on their own unique conditioning, often viewing their subjective reality as objective truth.

I, for one had this paradigm of my personal coach from MiSK.. Coach Shirley is amazing, I wanted her as my Coach and it just so happened that i was meant to be her student! i look up to her a ton and wanted to get to know her on a somewhat personal level, but she was standing on business and in the meetings we barely had time to talk about things unrelated to work ever so slightly. i'm a bit enthusiastic about a ton of things so i kinda get carried away when speaking, one time i interrupted her and she felt disrespected, as one does when theyre interrupted, but her reaction was extrremely straight forward. i thought she hated me, and i slowly started feeling less and less excited about our meetings. 

in todays meeting all i ever wanted was accomplished, i felt like my relationship with Coach Shirley was less formal, and then while we were talking she kinda sorta cleared up her reaction from the other day, she said she didnt mean to be harsh and that at the moment she wasnt thinking of how i would percieve things, she was thinking of how to prepare me for college because professors hate when theyre interrupted for things unrelated to their lectures, and i thought that was super sweet. anyways so like you see how my perspective shifted after just one convo? i went from "she hates me" to "shes worried about me".

today i started tearing up in our meeting. why you ask? because i saw Coach Shirley for her sweetness, she did such a huge act of kindness and like through it i realized she was totally rooting and there for me! i was super moved! basically MiSK has this thing called Student Representative where they choose a certain amount of students to represent them, and like i reallyyyyyy wanna get elected, it would be like such a huge honor! so i was talking with Coach Shirley and asked her if coaches could nominate students, and guess what she said????

SHE SAID SHE HAD ALREADY NOMINATED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WAS SO HAPPY AND EXCITED!! IM STILL SUPER HAPPY! LIKE THE FACT THAT SHE DID SO WITHOUT ME EVEN ASKING MEANT SO MUCH TO ME LIKE WDYM SOMEONE AS PROFESSIONAL AND SOPHISTICATED AS HER NOMINATED ME? i really appreciated it!! i'm the type of person who really appreciates these types of thiings, like words alone can make me really happy. i felt as though i had already gotten the role. honestly i really appreciate the whole student rep thing cause it taught me who's actually rooting for me and whos not. like sone people dont have a win-win mindset, i'm not saying i entirely have one but i'm always happy to see others around me succeed! like im planning on nominating two girls who i think deserve the role! 

i know to you guys it might seem like its just any role, but this is MiSK, like the MBS foundation, and as someone who wants to become a governess/ministress some day i think it'll help me with networking- but dont get me wrong im not thinking about my future job in this, i just think it would be a huge honor, and like i'd love to help others in misk, i'll work super hard to be worthy of the role, i just hope they accept my application~

thats all for today! 

 Worst day ever?

i kid you not i think ive been cursed. firstly i go to school on four hours of sleep, three of them being on an uncomfortable couch cause i had to force myself up to study, and you see the exam that i was studying for?? the teacher decided not to let me take it today XD. 

So i'm like the founder of S.A.G.E. right? today i was asked to make a pitch deck and i wasn't given a deadline, only for them to ask for it at the end of the school day when i was ab to leave??? what??? and then because im so stressed and doing my work as quick as possible from the school to the car i forgot my phone IN THE CAR with my aunts driver, how was i gna get it back?? then i go to sleep thinking its the 20th (i dont have my phone and i vividly and inaccurately remember the date being the 20th) well guess what? its the 22nd of april! and i just missed my meeting with coach shirley! oh it cant get any worse right? i have to study for two exams and chem is one of them. UUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i have my phone now but its like 10 pm, MY PHONE SHUTS DOWN AT 10!!!!

oh yeah and my name (along with a few other girls names) was sent in the school gc and i had to do another project.

and like even after i finished the pitch deck that ruined my life, my teacher wouldnt answer and theres a chance it all went to waste

worst day ever

am i better than you?

something that makes me rlly uncomfy is when someone thinks they're better than me, cause like what am i missing? what do you have that i don't? it just pisses me off when im belittled. i feel like i always have this need to prove that they aren't better than me, it kinda fuels my competitiveness. but now that i think about it, my need for winning isn't just to prove that they aren't better than me, it kinda proves that i'm better than them too. is it all just projection? when i see someone and assume they see themselves as faster, smarter, better, am i really basing this off of insinuations, or is it all just my own feelings?

recently ive noticed that i've stopped being as kind as i used to be, some might think thats a good thing, but  i honestly really hate the way that i think. i've been humble my entire life to the point where the glazing got to me, i hate the way i've slowly built this wall of superiority in my mind. the real question isn't "what makes them better than me?" it's "what makes me better than them?" 

i wouldn't call myself a cruel person, but i'm certainly not "kind" or at least not as kind as others keep telling me. i so need a reality check because i hate looking down on people. this stupid sense of superiority clouds your judgement, in fact when your ego keeps getting inflated it gets harder to see those around you, well i dont want to be blind !!! i want to see everyone, i want to be part of them! i dont want to be above! i was to stay humble! 

trust me i'm going to change this habit SOON

 Self-Centered

I have to be the most selfish person i know. when i want to move on from something i move on almost instantly without even thinking of the other person. just a month ago i was debating moving schools and cutting ties just because i needed it, isnt that the most selfish thing ever? just because i want a certain amount of freedom i seem to be willing to go for it without taking other poeples feelings into account. The number of people who i left with no remorse just because my situation couldnt handle it is insane, because even having done such a thing to one person is wrong. i really need  to be more thoughtful with the bond that i build. i feel like i have a sense of entitlement when it comes to ties, because i know i have the courage that so many others lack, and its a bit disgusting to see it all get to my head. i kinda suck, i shouldnt think im better than anyone, but yk maybe that comes from a perspective of insecurity? i never really understood insecure people, like nothing is ever that bad, but yk i think thats a bit egoistic. i dont really think im insecure, i'm very comfortable with myself wether for looks or personality, but i think sometimes i can be too much. its not that i think im better than anyone, i dont think its arrogance, i think its ignorance, ive been so caught up in my own life that i seem to forget to acknowledge those less bold. 

friendships

the longer i'm around my friends the more i realize how corrupt they are, well... not corrupt, but like so truly ignorant of their actions. the way they talk about people, the way they view things, the way they normalize a lot of wrong things. of course i'm not above these actions, i myself have many flaws, the difference is that i seek to change those flaws. 

and i feel like seeing them function in ways that are so out of touch is kinda humbling me, its also kinda helping me come to term with the fact that leaving them as people might not be the worst thing for me. 

i think that i'm more afraid of losing these bonds that i tried so hard to maintain, and worst of all hurt others in doing so.

here's the things, now that ive realized that i really dont want to stay with them it makes me want to move on as soon as possible, but it isnt as easy as it sounds because they play a huge role in my life, and thats exactly what i want to lessen.

i can sooo do this. i can do this. i can really do this. first step is finding other ppl to hang out with! i already have jana so that should  help me in class, but she has the right to spend time with her own friends as well, so im thinking i could also hang out with noura, maya, fatimah (joods ex friend), maryam baz, zeyd, and most of all myself.

i really need to start being okay with hanging out on my own, i think this is like a complex of mine that i've never really faced so i guess its a good thing that im finally getting to it.

My favorite websites!

MyMind this website is kinda like pinterest just full of soul, i love websites where you can personalize your own space and mymind just really spoke to me and made me feel at ease

The useless web is a website that takes you to a bunch of useless yet interesting websites made solely for entertainment. the creation of this project has been documented entirely on youtube (linked in the website) if you wanna check that out too. the websites vary from optical illusions to infinite cows.

Neal.fun this is a super cool website with tons of interesting games! like a ton of them are somewhat educational but if youre like me you'll still find them super fun!

Musicmap is a website that has all the music lore, it has really cool visiuals and its super interesting!

MusicTaste its a super cute space for music analysis, heres mine:

isnt this fire????

MusicRoamer this shows you the incredible web that connects your music based on taste, it's super fun to see how deep youve dived

SonicHits is just beautiful, it analyzes lyrics and explains them word for word

i'm back! 

i honestly havent blogged in a while.. its  not that nothing interesting happened, i just barely have time for myself these days.

we finally finished ramadan and now eid as well so im really relieved. its not that i dont like ramadan, its the opposite in fact, i LOVE it, but its really busy, TOO BUSY. like though we had a three week vacation i was busy for the entire three weeks so whats the point? from obligation to obligation to obligation!!! on the first day of eid i went to THREE family events! and not to mention my sleep schedule is unsalvageable, imagine sleeping at six AM everyday for three weeks, you get used to it.

also i have really happy/sad news.. i quit music :< :< :<

like i know this is a good thing and its so worth it in the end but music plays a big part in my identity. when i decided to start being serious about my choices one of the first things that i fixed was my choice in music! i stopped listening to music with vulgar language, stopped supporting controversial artists, and started exploring my own interests and finding myself in music. its really hard to stop doing something that you already have figured out, but honestly im kinda glad my journey stopped here. like ive made it so far and quitting here just makes sence yk? 

guys did you know im like more obscure than 99% of you guys?

this is obscurify! its a website that shows you how obscure your music taste is and compares to to other spoitify data (world wide + local)

anwyays yeah i wanna stop here where im a total winner ><

ALSO ALSO ALSO GUESS WHAT

WAIT DID I TELL U GUYS THE BAD NEWS? SO MY DIABOLIQUE CD DID IN FACT ARRIVE BUT I HAD THE WRONG LOCATION SO IT WENT ALL THE WAY BACK TO COLUMBIA UGH THIS MADE ME SO SAD FOR A GOOD THREE WEEKS LIKE IT WAS SOOOOO CLOSEEEEE

OKAY NOW GOOD NEWS!!!

I GOT TEN HIM CDS!!!!!!!

YES TENNNN AND THEYRE ALL SO BEAUTIFUL AND IM SOOOOOO HAPPY

i still want my diabolique cd tho :< :< :<

OKAY WAIT I'LL SHOW YOU THE SET FROM THE WEBSITE BECAUSE THE QUALITY OF MY LAPTOP CAM ISNT QUITE THE BEST

THEYRE ALL SO PRETTY AND BEAUTIFUL AND IM SOOOOO HAPPYY
تخيلو ان ما كانو بيوصلون عشان الحرب وكنت مررههه منقهرةةةةة

BAS NO THEY ARRIVEDDDD

oh yeah we're at war now.. yeah.. so i survived covid and an ongoing war? if colleges wont accept me then i guess my story isnt original enough 

anyways what its like? i wake up to the sound of warplanes and anticipate death every second of my day and thats about it, like i wanna say that this is so funny but then again its not? i hate america bro everything bad happening on earth is cause of them.

yesterday i found out that there were older versions of rayman????? like i fr throught rayman legends was the only one, and im glad i did, rayman origins looks mid tbh, sue me.