time interval

 it's been a while since i last hopped on here but i didnt have a choice in this guys, i wuld never choose to stay away from here esp when i have so much to update you on!
today (technically yesterday) i took my gat! and i'm super scared bc i left the exam glad and it just felt too good to be true you know? what if my score is rlly bad? i'll be so crushed to see it because i thought i did well and oh how the overthinking is eating at me i feel crushed even now at the thought of it.
reemas birthday was on the 15th and i wanted to get her a nana illustrations book so i told my dad that i added it to my wish list so that he could buy it for me, but instead he bought the wrong book... HE BOUGHT ME A NEIGHBORHOOD STORY BOOK!!! BEST ACCIDENT EVER AFTER! i got it the day b4 my exam and i was oh so happy and really really it motivated me to study more and it was so sweet i was so so so so soooooooooo happy!!! it's so lovely!
another thing that happened is that i won the role of vice president in tmooh toastmasters! if i havent told you guys alr i basically have online ap classes with tmooh from 8 am to 3 pm... total drag...
i met some super cool girls through it though, and it helped me overcome my fear of a certain school.
i told zahra and imgna tell reema and al and 3liw tmr! like acc tmr not today tmr.
anyways one of the recent things that have happened was that reema s has decided to be a better friend, and i'm totally fine with that, i'm just not ready to accept her yet.
i also reached out to the diabolique cd vendor and we're still on good terms, i hope to buy either a sentenced or theatre of tragedy cd from him so i can get my diabolique cd.
i've been missing jana lately, maybe because we're back to normal. idk ab her but i've been feeling like we were drifting apart and that made me build more walls, i even convinced myself that she barely saw me as her friend, when i had nothing to bas that assumption off of, maybe because i see our vulnerability as a link that just proves that she still feels comfortable and safe with me, so when we talk less i just tell myself she's shutting me out immediately, which is wrong of me. Still, you cant expect blind trust with 0 contact. except the thing is, you're supposed to when its me, i was the one with blind trust, so i cant really blame her for being fine with not talking to me for weeks, because i've been the one reassuring her that i'll always be here, and maybe thats true, but the no contact always plants seeds of doubt in my mind. I dont want to feel guilty for it.
i keep remembering more things that i want to say its just been that long! so i've started to realize that my cousins are getting s bit too comfortable and i just dont wanna be part of it, i also took care of my siblings for a week when my mom went to the uk, she found out she was pregnant that and when she told us it felt so surreal. today we visited yummah and her reaction to the news was so sweet she started tearing up, she loves us dearly, and we love her back. she was just telling my how my brother was a blessing with teary eyes and how she wished for a younger sibling for him, then like 5 mins later my mom told her and it was just so sweet and wholesome. 
oh yeah they fixed my phone but its flowkenuinely still broken, like now i can charge it, but the screens legits a mess, sorry baba. oh and my laptop  broke, and thats like the reason u couldnt blog as much as i'd like, oh and my earbuds also broke, hhhhhh..... life... i guess..
i recently discovered another diaboliue album and i can confidently say theyre my fav. did i tell you guys i was rewatching pll?
this month i got super close to modhi and two rlly sweet girls added me on insta and i met a lot of nice ppl in tmooh, successfully social even under academic pressure, i got close w layan too, i fixed things with roaa, what else?
oh oh! i'm going padel with uncle ahmed his wife and my cousins soooonnnn and im so excited fo rit. 
today is 21/07/26 and i think its a girl!
also if anyb asks who i look up to know its minister adel of international affairs, i wont settle until i become him.
VP SIGNING OUT!!!

 Dealing with emotions

sometimes it feels like I don't really break down or show emotions on a certain topic until I'm actually reminded of the situation that I'm in. It's like people showing me that they care is doing quite the opposite, it reminds me of the feelings that I've been suppressing. and like it's even worse when they seemingly understand because they're justifying my feelings which makes them all the more real. i grew up the sensitive kid, the one that kept overthinking, and the one that cried easily, to the point where those traits and emotions made me feel vulnerable, like my points of view were never really justified, like i was overreacting in a way no normal person ever would. so the little things that I felt or noticed became just subjective observations, when people are rude it feels like I'm the one reading too much into the situation, so my positivity and charitability are actually just a result of my lack of trust in my own opinions. thats why facts are totally important to me. 

when someone asks me whats wrong it just reminds me of the things i'm trying not to think about like a really hurtful moment that i had just went through or just a really bad situation in general. have people forgotten that it isnt always the right time to talk about emotions? especially in public. like oh you're just casually making me feel vulnerable and exposed, but that doesn't matter keep showing me you care without really thinking of me first.. people crave to be asked about and the attention and love they get through it, but i wish no one would see me especially when i'm sad. because i'm so used to being judged for it that now i feel like my own emotions are unnecessary, so i just avoid them, and that method works really well. just sleep on it or try to compose yourself, but what use is composing myself if someone keeps asking me to face the reality of it just out of their curiosity or care? when I'm put in that situation instead of insiting i just offer my helo and leave it, then maybe bring it up some other time, not insist about it even when the other person clearly feels uncomfortable. but then again i learned at an extremely young age that crossing boundaries is sure to drive the other person off. i can thank noor for that.

Last day of school...

I'm so happy to finish junior year, because frankly it's taken a suffocating eternity to get this over with. Junior year was really busy, like reallyyyy busy. I did so much, ELO, Hong Kong public poli acceptance, S.A..G.E., YWL, Ithraa interview, HCGCC, SAT, GAT, MiSK, its all been so much but ultimately at long last i got through it all!! Sure, I had a few breakdowns along the way but everything really did work out. Listing out my accomplishments rlly boosted my spirts but it's all to waste, because I'm dreading senior year. it's just the thought of being one step closer to legally becoming an adult terrifies me to my core. I know I'm usually one to face challenges head-on and leave my comfort zone but this is a whole different level. The postulation of it alone overwhelms me eminently. it fills me with anxiety. College petrifies me, esp if its abroad, its just such a huge decision that I'll ultimately have to make, and i just feel like I'm not ready, i feel too much like an adolescent for me to go to college-- I dont even know what I want to major!!! I have big dreams but what if i dont achieve them? What if i do achieve them?? i dont know what i want! And I likely never will! ugh there are just so many conflicting thoughts in my mind, i'm not ready. but at least its summer vacation i guess. happy summer vac.

 To Maya:

maya you are an amazing person youre funny you're smart and i know you'll go to great places. please never stop being kind, your kindness is so special, your empathy is distinct, your smiles brighten up a room, never lose that. when you go to college you'll meet all sorts of people, trust me this isnt the end to our chapter its the beginning of your bloom. our time to split was always going to happen despite our wishes against it. this is a really huge step, you're one step closer to becoming an independent adult and I'm so proud of you for it. It's really scary but then again so is every step we're going to take. I personally am dreading senior year because I know what happens next and I just want to stay in my cozy little nest where my worries are quite insignificant, i cannot fathom that one day I will be in charge of paying bills, but I've always wondered what it would be like. Uncharted territory is always scary, but sometimes that little boost is all you need, so trust me, Maya, you're going to do great. You're going to become your own person and discover yourself in like a gazillion new ways! Trust me you'll love college and the campus and broadening your social circle. As much as it is a nightmare it's still a dream

Senior Jackets

honestly the whole senior jacket thing feels so cringe to me like others might be fine with it but I know that if I got one it would be completely performative, because I generally dont like the thought of the "senior" jacket itself, you know? but in the end i did get one, but it isnt a senior jacket. well it might be considered a senior jacket but theres absolutely nothing on it that signals to senior year. to me it feels like i got myself a personalized jacket instead. i didnt add "class of" yadda yadda or "senior" anywhere on there and honestly I'm proud of myself. its kinda a bummer that my jacket is purple but in the end i got it to match with my friends, and i kinda owe it to them because my jackets design is almost completely different, their back has their name and 2027 senior. the process of choosing the patches was pretty fun, i feel like i organized my interests. im not going to show you the ones i added, i'm going to show you the ones that i didnt add, and when my jacket arrives you'll see my final choices!

 

 May Chronicles

Uncles engagement party soonnnn im so exciteddd. Hopefully hopefully hopefully im gna get my nails done tmrr. Omg my elo projects fr getting serious we have 23 days to finish all our work and honestly i really have hope for us like I've worked so hard. It kinda pisses me off that my teammates think failure is an option, like no its not, I've worked too hard for this. 

I went to Riyadh last week and it was so fun!! We went by train and it was a nice first experience, I'd never tried the train in saudi before. Everything went smoothly except the way back home. from riyadh. 
We woke up early and got there 45 mins b4 the train was finna move right, so far so smooth, then we realized we forget a few bags at my aunts house ( bc we stayed at her place ) but it wasnt too bad like we would see them in a few weeks and the bags didnt have anything TOO important. after getting breakfast we decided to see where the boarding area was, and we found out that we were in the wrong train station. Turns out riyadh has two stations, a northern one and a southern one... we checked the location and it was 35 minutes away, our train would leave in 30 minutes so we'd miss it by 5 minutes. and theres like on contact between the two stations so there was nothing we could do. Thing is we needed to get home, we had school the next day + i had a chem midterm. We went to my other aunt who was staying at a hotel in riyadh and spent like 7 hours doing nothing THE DREAMMMM. it was so fun. then we went back to my aunts place and my dad came all the way to riyadh js to take us back. 

despite all the bad luck, I had so much fun doing nothing + hanging out with my cousin + going on a road trip.

In a few days I'm going to a resort with my friends and I'm kinda a bit excited. I sorted things out with them and they were really supportive. 

I bought this rlly nice perfume from laverne called bella and it smells soooo good. its so beautiful i love the colorr

i also got a new watch!! its super beautiful too. Its burgundy and matches with my lamp 

i love you so much mama and baba الله يخليكم لي وحفظكم 

Oh oh i almost forgot, i also kinda groused to a misk head about how they messed us up big time on summer programs and it was so funn! like finally someone who cant avoid our complaints ( because it was in a zoom meeting )

WAIT I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO WRITE ABOUT THIS

I GOT THE STUDET REP ROLE!!! HEHEHEHE IM SO HAPPY! WALLAH I WORKED SO HARD AND I WAS SO STRESSED. I WAS LIKE CALLING PPL ON THE DAILY ASKING WHO THEY WERE GNA NOMINATE AND I SPEMNT THREE DAYS WRITING MY ESSAY. ISTG IF I DIDNT WIN I WAS GNA BE SO HEART BROKEN. I GET TO WORK MORE WITH COACH SHIRLEY AND I HAVE MORE RESPONSIBILITIES NOW. IM SOOOO GNA PROVE MYSELF.

but yk it doesnt rlly feel like i achieved smt.. like yes i did work hard bas there wasnt rlly any competetion even if my entire cohort applied, like i just dont think they were as interested. like i know it js means my chances are higher but it kinda lessens the value of my work and effort. like i already have trauma with being second place but im always content because i tried my best and so did those around me, but when there isnt as much competition it just feels a teeny bit dull. 

Dont get me wrong im still so happy that i got the position bc like as i said i rlly did work super hard, bas whats the point if i couldve gotten it with minimum effort?

Paradigm

 we all have paradigms of others, but what does that mean? 
A paradigm is a mental framework of beliefs and assumptions that dictates how individuals perceive and interpret the world. Understanding the "paradigm of others" requires recognizing that people act based on their own unique conditioning, often viewing their subjective reality as objective truth.

I, for one had this paradigm of my personal coach from MiSK.. Coach Shirley is amazing, I wanted her as my Coach and it just so happened that i was meant to be her student! i look up to her a ton and wanted to get to know her on a somewhat personal level, but she was standing on business and in the meetings we barely had time to talk about things unrelated to work ever so slightly. i'm a bit enthusiastic about a ton of things so i kinda get carried away when speaking, one time i interrupted her and she felt disrespected, as one does when theyre interrupted, but her reaction was extrremely straight forward. i thought she hated me, and i slowly started feeling less and less excited about our meetings. 

in todays meeting all i ever wanted was accomplished, i felt like my relationship with Coach Shirley was less formal, and then while we were talking she kinda sorta cleared up her reaction from the other day, she said she didnt mean to be harsh and that at the moment she wasnt thinking of how i would percieve things, she was thinking of how to prepare me for college because professors hate when theyre interrupted for things unrelated to their lectures, and i thought that was super sweet. anyways so like you see how my perspective shifted after just one convo? i went from "she hates me" to "shes worried about me".

today i started tearing up in our meeting. why you ask? because i saw Coach Shirley for her sweetness, she did such a huge act of kindness and like through it i realized she was totally rooting and there for me! i was super moved! basically MiSK has this thing called Student Representative where they choose a certain amount of students to represent them, and like i reallyyyyyy wanna get elected, it would be like such a huge honor! so i was talking with Coach Shirley and asked her if coaches could nominate students, and guess what she said????

SHE SAID SHE HAD ALREADY NOMINATED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WAS SO HAPPY AND EXCITED!! IM STILL SUPER HAPPY! LIKE THE FACT THAT SHE DID SO WITHOUT ME EVEN ASKING MEANT SO MUCH TO ME LIKE WDYM SOMEONE AS PROFESSIONAL AND SOPHISTICATED AS HER NOMINATED ME? i really appreciated it!! i'm the type of person who really appreciates these types of thiings, like words alone can make me really happy. i felt as though i had already gotten the role. honestly i really appreciate the whole student rep thing cause it taught me who's actually rooting for me and whos not. like sone people dont have a win-win mindset, i'm not saying i entirely have one but i'm always happy to see others around me succeed! like im planning on nominating two girls who i think deserve the role! 

i know to you guys it might seem like its just any role, but this is MiSK, like the MBS foundation, and as someone who wants to become a governess/ministress some day i think it'll help me with networking- but dont get me wrong im not thinking about my future job in this, i just think it would be a huge honor, and like i'd love to help others in misk, i'll work super hard to be worthy of the role, i just hope they accept my application~

thats all for today!